Hey everyone! No run today, just life stuff! I had an eye doctor’s appointment in the morning and my eyes are very happy now! I have worn contacts since I was a teenager and it wasn’t until this year that my eyes were getting more and more irritated by my contacts. As it turns out my astigmatism has worsened slightly and so I changed the type of contacts I am wearing and they feel great! Dan does not wear glasses or contacts. He’s a superhero with perfect 20/20 vision.
My day started with a delicious mini bagel with veggie cream cheese. Si-Guy only likes plain cream cheese and I would rather save the money than buy two different types of cream cheese so I make my own. I had extra green onion and red bell pepper after making my couscous salad so I used that along with a dash of garlic powder and paprika. So good!
I love my Christmas plates! Every year I bust these out after Thanksgiving. Dan just loves all the trips to the basement bringing up the plates and casserole dishes. I’m going to be that crazy, old lady with chipped and cracked Christmas dishes that I make the kids eat from when they are adults.
Before I get into today’s post, I had to share this….. photo bomb!
I was trying to get a picture of Super D, but Si-Guy has perfect timing! Super D is a total bookworm which is great. She burns through books so quickly and re-reads her books all of the time. Dan went to Goodwill and got her a ton of books for $13. She was so excited and she didn’t talk for two hours straight after picking her first book. What?!
Back to the main topic — I no longer run for weight loss! It has been a long road to get to this point and sometimes I still struggle with not worrying about my weight. As a small child I was very thin and close to being underweight. Somewhere around 10 years old, I started to gain weight. It was really hard being the tallest and one of the heaviest in school and at home wasn’t much easier. My mom is very petite as are all of my aunts and cousins. I’m half Korean and so to the Korean side of my family, I was a GIANT. I was taller than my mom by the time I was in 5th grade. Weight always seemed to be the first thing my family would mention about me. Not cool. I was active, played a ton of sports, and still I was really heavy because I started to eat from stress. My weight went up and down for years and then I hit my heaviest when I was is my early-mid twenties.
I went through a bad break-up when I was 25 and I told myself that I had to get it together! I just felt bad about myself. I was too cheap to join a gym so I decided to start walking and running. First, I had to go out and get a sports bra. I didn’t have a single one. I remember standing in my room and thinking how could a person who used to be so active not have one damn sports bra?! I went to Target and got a sports bra and two running outfits. I was so out of touch with my body and weight that the two outfits I bought were way too small. I was stuffed into them and so uncomfortable, but I already cut the tags and washed them so….. I suffered. I started with walking for about two weeks and then started adding 30 seconds to a minute of running. At first, it was about weight loss and then I just liked getting out and moving. I never listened to music then and now I kind of miss the days when I ran without any distractions. Another example of how out of touch I was with my body was that I didn’t even realize how much weight I lost until about three months later when it was Christmas time and I went with my sister to her in-laws for dinner. The pants and shirt I picked out were falling off. That moment started my time of running for weight loss. I wanted to drop the weight and believe me, I needed to, but for several years after that moment, I placed way too much focus on running to lose weight.
The only time I will mention body weight in terms of numbers is now and it is to give anyone reading this post an idea of how delusional we can all be when it comes to self perception. Over the course of several months, I lost 40 pounds. While I was really focused on losing weight, I did it the right way. I never starved myself, I cut out all of the “low-fat” junk in my diet, and I took my running super slow so as not to injure myself. I am 5’6″ and after losing the weight, I was 128 pounds and I still thought I was “fat”. Insane. I was so used to the years of being unhappy with how I looked that no matter my size, I still saw myself as overweight. I weigh more now and I am happier with how I look and feel. I am more fit than ever before and so much stronger.
I struggled with my weight again after having kids, but something was different. I was more focused on wanting to feel good rather than just look good. Now at 37 years old, when I miss runs or a fitness class, I’m not flipping out about whether or not I will gain weight. I just want to make sure I keep up with all of my hard work. Hard work that brings me a lot of sanity, satisfaction and enjoyment. A huge part of this attitude is because I have been able to maintain my weight and I am consistent with my activity level. Consistency has been the number one reason I don’t place so much focus on weight loss and focus on other goals like distance, speed, and strength.
I considered doing a “before” and “after” picture, but why? I don’t see myself in terms of “before” and “after”, it’s just me through different phases of life. It took me 37 years to understand that.
How has your outlook on weight and self perception changed as you get older?